Friday, February 4, 2011

A Plentiful Harvest

Lord you know my heart. I know that you say that to be fearful is a sin, but right now I am scared. I know the emotions are real and I need your power to have confidence. I do not live in a good neighborhood, I’m hearing more gunshots every day and they seem to be getting closer to the house. I’m not involved in anything where I should get shot but random shootings have happened as well. Several months ago we backed our car out of the driveway to see a failed attempt at a cocktail bomb. Weeks later we got clues as to who had done it, and yesterday we received confirmation that it was who we thought plus another man who is to be released from jail soon. These guys are repeat offenders, guys with records of violence, theft, home invasions, and all the like. They would not feel remorse for taking my life, they have already tried. My life is yours Lord, this life here on earth is already over in my head…but my heart says there is still more to do, to see, to love, to live… Your will is perfect and good, help my heart to align with your will.

For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)

It seems I cannot focus on anything that I should because I’m so consumed by this aching fear, please take my fears away. I trust you but cannot escape the countless stories of brutality and abuse so close to home. I hear about abductions, rapes, murders daily and it is making me literally sick to my stomach. I feel as though I cannot talk to anyone about it because of either their judgment or unbelief. I’ve lost faith in having a confidant so I turn to you, O God, for YOU are my true friend. Help me God, I need it to continue.

I've always (& still do) see living downtown as a ministry opportunity. The people, the movement, the serious NEEDS...there is SO MUCH to be done, SO MANY to reach....when I think about it in the right mind-set (God's), I am needed here. With so much darkness and danger surrounding me, I feel the presence of the Holy Spirit like I did in Africa. Amidst strife and what should be fear, I SEE & FEEL GOD. It is a bittersweet emotion/feeling. My humanness tells me to run without looking back, but I sense the Holy Spirit calling me to stay. Hardly how I would want, but its not about me now is it?

I get a lot of flack from family & co-workers about living in the 'ghetto'. "How can you live there? Aren't you afraid? Its not a place for a girl like you..." Blah blah blah. It irritates me to hear this from Christians - O Ye of LITTLE FAITH!

Heidi Baker pioneered Mozambique by herself while the war between that country & Portugal was still hot and angry. Like me, it was "no place for a girl" like her. One night as she was driving to the neighboring city, she was stopped by 'guards'. The took her money and held a gun to her head. If it were you, what would you do? What would you say? She said, "You cannot kill me, I'm already dead." What an answer! She trusted that God had a plan, even if it meant for her to meet Him at that very moment...and she was NOT afraid!

In comparison, Modesto hardly meets the danger of Mozambique...I know because I've been there too. But for some reason, I felt more safe in Mozambique. This may sound trite, but I don't mean it to: Africans seem to already know how to live below poverty, but Modestans have suffered much because of the economy and do not know how to live with less. I can almost feel the anger, bitterness, resentment of my neighborhood as I walk through it. The sense of desperation is in the air and more people are dying than before. And their need for God seems to be the last thing on their mind. Its disappointing, but the need is GREAT. "The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field." Luke 10:2

Wednesday, December 17, 2008


I don't know why but I get so irritated with this one lady at my work all the time. I think she's one of those people that likes to boss people around & is always, no matter what, right. Daily she's next to my desk looking over my shoulder and telling me what to do...I have no problem with authority or even taking orders, but I do have a problem with a co-worker with the same designation as myself ordering me around. From stupid stuff like watering the plants. I don't know why I get deemed to do it, maybe because I'm her daughter's age and she thinks I need her direction. #1 I have a mom #2 The plant is right next to your desk on the opposite side of the building as my desk. Grrr.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Today is the day...

There has to be a light at the end of this tunnel. I look at our finances and on one hand I see HOW FAR we've come and I'm so thankful for that, but on the other hand I see that our bills far exceed our income. Some is from credit card debt we accrued while being homeless, jobless, etc...but most of it is medical bills.

I feel like we're drowning in debt. I know in reality that we're not doing too bad considering the rest of the nation and even the world, but I loathe the thought of not being able to pay bills as they come in...or even a month after they're due.

Some changes need to happen and I'm trying to continue to pray about it, but I feel stuck in this despair. I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it, either. I don't want my husband to feel bad about his job situation and this incredibly difficult job-market. It's not his fault that he's been taken advantage of and its not his fault that no one is hiring right now. I need to be grateful for the amount he does bring in...and his incredible amount of help around the house.

But my fears are still there. I'm afraid we'll slip up and I'll get pregnant and we won't be able to make ends meet and I'll have to go back to work after having a baby and Ben will stay home forever and I'll work forever. I'm telling ya, I've lost myself in quite a ridiculous hole that makes no sense...I desperately need that light at the end of the tunnel.

There's so many factors as to why I'm in this hole, other than finances, and I don't even really want to get into it all. I just need to get out! There's a few things in my life that start out great and as soon as I get comfortable I slack off and then I find myself in a disaster and so I crawl into my hole and wait as the storm rages above me and I try to muster up the courage to move forward and do something about my life.

The worst part of it all is that I take it out on other people and eventually myself. I begin to resent people and their actions, words, & motivations. I get really testy & moody. Then I get frustrated with myself for being rude and start to cry and feel bad for myself. This usually cycles for several days and one day I wake up and realize that all of my actions, words & motivations are stemmed completely from MY mixed emotions, MY problems, and MY inability to fix them. After wrestling with that idea for a while (and usually some lengthy journaling time) I wipe my own slate clean and tell myself,

"Today is the day!

I will throw away my rose-colored glasses

that make me see everything as 'great'.

I will throw away my muddy boots

that drag me down and trip me up.

I will throw away my heavy coat

that is weighted & drenched in tears.

I will see clearer,

I will walk smoothly,

and I will not let me emotions get in the way.

Today is the day!"

And now the question is, "Is today going to be the day?"

Saturday, October 4, 2008

JJ Heller

JJ Heller

I have unanswered prayers
have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That you would take my pain away
You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths the crooked lie
Oh Lord before these feet of mine
Oh Lord before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

When you walked upon the earth
You healed the brok, lost & hurt
I know you hate to see me cry
One day you will set all things right
Ya, one day you will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

Your hands...
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me
They hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me
They hold me still

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave you
When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave
I never leave your hands

Monday, September 29, 2008

He's Got The Whole World In HIS Hands

Whole World In HIS Hands
(written by Tim Hughes)

When all around is fading
And nothing seems to last
When each day is filled with sorrow
Still I know with all my heart

He's got the whole world in His hands
He's got the whole world in His hands
I fear no evil, for You are with me
Strong to deliver, mighty to save
He's got the whold world in His hands

When I walk through fire
I will not be burned
When the waves come crashing round me
Still I know with all my heart

He's got the whole world in His handsHe's got the whole world in His handsI fear no evil, for You are with meStrong to deliver, mighty to saveHe's got the whold world in His hands

There comes a point in your life when you realize:





So, don't worry about people from your past,
there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.

"Be kinder than necessary...because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."

Monday, September 8, 2008

Something is Wrong

"But I wonder if most people who look god all the time are really out of touch with themselves, unaware of how they impact others, and covering up deep pain with the pleasures of activity and achievements. Perhaps much of what passes for spiritual maturity is maintained by a rigid denial of all that is happening beneath the surface of their lives. Maybe in this life it's impossible to be as together as some people look."
"Just a quick glance beneath the surface of our life makes it clear that more is going on that loving God and loving others. It requires only a moment of honest self-reflection to realize that, no matter how much we may have already changed, we still have a long way to go. Most of us know things about ourself that no one else would guess: thoughts, fantasies, things we do in private, secrets that make us feel ashamed. We know things are not as they should be. Something is wrong."
"We wish we were better than we are, but we're not. And that realization brings shame, a desire to hide, to avoid real contact, to present to others only that part of us we think will be well received. We want to hide the rest - not because we desire to avoid offending others with our ugly side, but because we fear their rejection. We live for the purpose of self-protection, clinging to whatever brings us happiness and security. The effect is a discouraging distance between ourself and the people we long to be close to. The quality of our life diminishes."
"Most of us spend our life trying to pretend things are better than they are. When reality breaks through - perhaps in a glimpse of how disappointed or imperfect we are - we're strongly inclined to do whatever restores our feigned sense of well-being. We may count our blessings, cut the lawn, pray for strength, eat something sweet, consult a counselor, join the church choir, fight with our spouse, read a favorite psalm, turn on the TV, scold ourself for being a downer, re-surrender ourself to God, or go out with friends for pizza - anything to get away from that nagging sense that something is missing, something is wrong."
"Perhaps the majority of people who report pleasant feelings with only occasional struggles are building their houses on sand by preserving their happiness through pretense; or, to change the image, maybe they're rearranging the furniture in the motel room, hoping it will feel like home. When we succeed at arranging our life so that "all is well," we keep ourself from facing all that's going on inside. And when we ignore what's happening on the inside, we lose all power to change what we do on the outside in a meaningful way. We rearrange rather than change and in so doing, we never become the transformed person God calls us to be. We never experience freedom from destructive patterns of living."

Dr. Larry Crab Inside Out

Thursday, September 4, 2008


"One must realize

that all who have accumulated great fortunes

did a certain amount of







before they acquired

MoNeY." N.H.







BeaCH HouSe iN SoCaL
RaNCH HoMe oN eaST CoaST
CaBiN iN CoLoRaDo MouNTaiNS

ReQuiReMeNT: "...practical dreamers who can, and will, put their dreams into action." N.H.

"Success requires NO apologies
Failure permits NO alibis."

"...all who succeed in life get off to a bad start, and pass through many heartbreaking struggles before they 'arrive'." N.H.


i WaNT To Be THe oNe WHo CaMe FRoM GReaT oPPoRTuNiTY...
To THRoW iT aLL aWaY FoR a CauSe MuCH GReaTer...
BeCaMe HoMeLeSS aND FaCeD GReaT FiNaNCiaL STRuGGLe JuST To HaVE a RooF oVeR MY HeaD...
To BeiNG oNe oF THe YouNGeST, MoST SuCCeSSFuL iNSuRaNCe PRoFeSSioNaLS...