Wednesday, December 17, 2008


I don't know why but I get so irritated with this one lady at my work all the time. I think she's one of those people that likes to boss people around & is always, no matter what, right. Daily she's next to my desk looking over my shoulder and telling me what to do...I have no problem with authority or even taking orders, but I do have a problem with a co-worker with the same designation as myself ordering me around. From stupid stuff like watering the plants. I don't know why I get deemed to do it, maybe because I'm her daughter's age and she thinks I need her direction. #1 I have a mom #2 The plant is right next to your desk on the opposite side of the building as my desk. Grrr.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Today is the day...

There has to be a light at the end of this tunnel. I look at our finances and on one hand I see HOW FAR we've come and I'm so thankful for that, but on the other hand I see that our bills far exceed our income. Some is from credit card debt we accrued while being homeless, jobless, etc...but most of it is medical bills.

I feel like we're drowning in debt. I know in reality that we're not doing too bad considering the rest of the nation and even the world, but I loathe the thought of not being able to pay bills as they come in...or even a month after they're due.

Some changes need to happen and I'm trying to continue to pray about it, but I feel stuck in this despair. I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it, either. I don't want my husband to feel bad about his job situation and this incredibly difficult job-market. It's not his fault that he's been taken advantage of and its not his fault that no one is hiring right now. I need to be grateful for the amount he does bring in...and his incredible amount of help around the house.

But my fears are still there. I'm afraid we'll slip up and I'll get pregnant and we won't be able to make ends meet and I'll have to go back to work after having a baby and Ben will stay home forever and I'll work forever. I'm telling ya, I've lost myself in quite a ridiculous hole that makes no sense...I desperately need that light at the end of the tunnel.

There's so many factors as to why I'm in this hole, other than finances, and I don't even really want to get into it all. I just need to get out! There's a few things in my life that start out great and as soon as I get comfortable I slack off and then I find myself in a disaster and so I crawl into my hole and wait as the storm rages above me and I try to muster up the courage to move forward and do something about my life.

The worst part of it all is that I take it out on other people and eventually myself. I begin to resent people and their actions, words, & motivations. I get really testy & moody. Then I get frustrated with myself for being rude and start to cry and feel bad for myself. This usually cycles for several days and one day I wake up and realize that all of my actions, words & motivations are stemmed completely from MY mixed emotions, MY problems, and MY inability to fix them. After wrestling with that idea for a while (and usually some lengthy journaling time) I wipe my own slate clean and tell myself,

"Today is the day!

I will throw away my rose-colored glasses

that make me see everything as 'great'.

I will throw away my muddy boots

that drag me down and trip me up.

I will throw away my heavy coat

that is weighted & drenched in tears.

I will see clearer,

I will walk smoothly,

and I will not let me emotions get in the way.

Today is the day!"

And now the question is, "Is today going to be the day?"

Saturday, October 4, 2008

JJ Heller

JJ Heller

I have unanswered prayers
have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That you would take my pain away
You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths the crooked lie
Oh Lord before these feet of mine
Oh Lord before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

When you walked upon the earth
You healed the brok, lost & hurt
I know you hate to see me cry
One day you will set all things right
Ya, one day you will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

Your hands...
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me
They hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me
They hold me still

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave you
When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave
I never leave your hands

Monday, September 29, 2008

He's Got The Whole World In HIS Hands

Whole World In HIS Hands
(written by Tim Hughes)

When all around is fading
And nothing seems to last
When each day is filled with sorrow
Still I know with all my heart

He's got the whole world in His hands
He's got the whole world in His hands
I fear no evil, for You are with me
Strong to deliver, mighty to save
He's got the whold world in His hands

When I walk through fire
I will not be burned
When the waves come crashing round me
Still I know with all my heart

He's got the whole world in His handsHe's got the whole world in His handsI fear no evil, for You are with meStrong to deliver, mighty to saveHe's got the whold world in His hands

There comes a point in your life when you realize:





So, don't worry about people from your past,
there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.

"Be kinder than necessary...because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."

Monday, September 8, 2008

Something is Wrong

"But I wonder if most people who look god all the time are really out of touch with themselves, unaware of how they impact others, and covering up deep pain with the pleasures of activity and achievements. Perhaps much of what passes for spiritual maturity is maintained by a rigid denial of all that is happening beneath the surface of their lives. Maybe in this life it's impossible to be as together as some people look."
"Just a quick glance beneath the surface of our life makes it clear that more is going on that loving God and loving others. It requires only a moment of honest self-reflection to realize that, no matter how much we may have already changed, we still have a long way to go. Most of us know things about ourself that no one else would guess: thoughts, fantasies, things we do in private, secrets that make us feel ashamed. We know things are not as they should be. Something is wrong."
"We wish we were better than we are, but we're not. And that realization brings shame, a desire to hide, to avoid real contact, to present to others only that part of us we think will be well received. We want to hide the rest - not because we desire to avoid offending others with our ugly side, but because we fear their rejection. We live for the purpose of self-protection, clinging to whatever brings us happiness and security. The effect is a discouraging distance between ourself and the people we long to be close to. The quality of our life diminishes."
"Most of us spend our life trying to pretend things are better than they are. When reality breaks through - perhaps in a glimpse of how disappointed or imperfect we are - we're strongly inclined to do whatever restores our feigned sense of well-being. We may count our blessings, cut the lawn, pray for strength, eat something sweet, consult a counselor, join the church choir, fight with our spouse, read a favorite psalm, turn on the TV, scold ourself for being a downer, re-surrender ourself to God, or go out with friends for pizza - anything to get away from that nagging sense that something is missing, something is wrong."
"Perhaps the majority of people who report pleasant feelings with only occasional struggles are building their houses on sand by preserving their happiness through pretense; or, to change the image, maybe they're rearranging the furniture in the motel room, hoping it will feel like home. When we succeed at arranging our life so that "all is well," we keep ourself from facing all that's going on inside. And when we ignore what's happening on the inside, we lose all power to change what we do on the outside in a meaningful way. We rearrange rather than change and in so doing, we never become the transformed person God calls us to be. We never experience freedom from destructive patterns of living."

Dr. Larry Crab Inside Out

Thursday, September 4, 2008


"One must realize

that all who have accumulated great fortunes

did a certain amount of







before they acquired

MoNeY." N.H.







BeaCH HouSe iN SoCaL
RaNCH HoMe oN eaST CoaST
CaBiN iN CoLoRaDo MouNTaiNS

ReQuiReMeNT: "...practical dreamers who can, and will, put their dreams into action." N.H.

"Success requires NO apologies
Failure permits NO alibis."

"...all who succeed in life get off to a bad start, and pass through many heartbreaking struggles before they 'arrive'." N.H.


i WaNT To Be THe oNe WHo CaMe FRoM GReaT oPPoRTuNiTY...
To THRoW iT aLL aWaY FoR a CauSe MuCH GReaTer...
BeCaMe HoMeLeSS aND FaCeD GReaT FiNaNCiaL STRuGGLe JuST To HaVE a RooF oVeR MY HeaD...
To BeiNG oNe oF THe YouNGeST, MoST SuCCeSSFuL iNSuRaNCe PRoFeSSioNaLS...

Win or Perish

Quotes sourced from Think And Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill

"Edwin C. Barnes succeeded because he chose a definite goal, and placed his
energy, all his willpower and all his efforts into achieving that goal." N.H.

"He was content to start in the most menial work, as long as it provided an opportunity to take even one step towards his cherished goal." N.H.

"I will burn all bridges behind me, and stake my entire future on my ability to get what I want." E.B.

Cut all sources of retreat = Win or Perish

"Wishing will not bring riches. But desiring riches with a state of mind that becomes an obsession, then planning definite ways and means to acquire riches, and backing those plans with persistence which does not recognize failure, will bring riches." N.H.

  1. How much money exactly do I desire?

  2. What am I willing to give in return for those riches?

  3. By which date do I want the money in my possession?

  4. What is my plan of action? (Start right away)

  5. Write a statement of the exact amount desired, what I'm willing to do for it, by what date I want it and how I'll achieve that goal.

  6. Read that statement twice daily aloud, once before bed and once when I awake.

I have been so inspired by this book...and I'm only to the middle of the second chapter! Goals are good, and the desire for those goals fuels us to achieve them. My goals may be lofty, but I will attain them! I'm confident that I am not only able but ultimately willing to see these goals reached.

In response to 1-6:

  1. $5,000,000

  2. Sacrifice with long hours. Use personal time to increase my abilities and strengthen my gifts. Become more outgoing to promote myself and my business. Network with associates and other business professionals unrelated and related to my field. Maintain a high level of professionalism and integrity at all times...regardless if I'm on the clock or not. Remain true to myself and my values. Give all credit to God for successes. Give back to God and bless others even when I have little.

  3. 10 years

  4. Meet the right people to get there and be willing to work from the bottom up. Education. Network. Promote.

  5. My goal is to become a successful and professional Insurance Consultant with a financial goal of $5,000,000. I am willing to sacrifice my comforts and personal time to do whatever it takes to reach my goal within the next 10 years. I will always give thanks to God for all things good and love Him above everything (even my goal). I will always love my husband, Ben. I will remain true to myself all the while fine-tuning areas of my life to reflect ultimate integrity and professionalism and education. Note to self: What steps will you take/have you taken towards these goals today?

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Diddle Becoming Dumb

So BoReD...
FeeLiNG uSeLeSS...
WaNT ouT...
NeeDS a CHaNCe...
LooKiNG FoR CHaNGe...
WHaT To Do?
WHeRe To Go?
WaiTiNG FoR aNSWeRS...
HoW MuCH MoRe To TaKe?
ToLeRaNCe iS LoW...
SNaPPiNG SooN...
THis BoReDoM iS KiLLiNG Me!
DaY BY DaY...
THe MoMeNT...
THe CHaNCe...
THe CHaNGe...
LoRD, i NeeD PaTieNCe To HeLP Me THRu THe DaY.

I Want To:

I need a change...its in the air.

Stifled by 'the man'...we can hardly make rent at our tiny abode and 'the man' shows up with new cars, houses, golden retrievers and white picket fences.

I want to hardly seems fair.

It's not that I want all the fancy and expensive things, I just have a hard time with living paycheck to paycheck while the rich get richer and the poor get poorer.

"The love of money is the root of all evil." 1 Timothy 6:10

It's not the money I want so badly, its the freedom, the ability to bless, the means to start a ministry, and the college fund for my children.

Why is it that I really want this job, though? I'm tired of not using my God-given abilities. I feel like they're being wasted by sitting on my rear-end waiting for the phone to ring and the mail lady to drive by...each task finished within just a few moments. Maybe this is my chance to reflect on what it is exactly that I want in life.

I want to be challenged.
I want to be appreciated.
I want to work hard.
I want to provide.
I want to bless.
I want so much more.
I want to be rewarded and to reward others.
I want to utilize my gifts and talents.
I want to start a family.
I want to own a ranch for my children to grow up & learn.
I want to be there for my kids, not working my fingers to the grind just to pay for diapers.
I want to celebrate my marriage with a real wedding and finally go on our honeymoon.
I want to be debt free.
I want to pay my bills as they come in...not wait for the money to eventually come.
I want to sleep peacefully without thinking about how many nights we have left in our home.
I want to garden.
I want to be healthy.
I want to help others achieve their goals & dreams.

Kingdom Living

"...I wonder if most people who look good all the time are really out of touch with themselves, unaware of how they impact others, and covering up deep pain with the pleasures of activity and achievmants. Perhaps much of what passes for spiritual maturity is maintained by a rigid denial of all that is happening beneath the surface of their lives. Maybe in this life it's impossible to be as together as some people look." -Dr. Larry Crab Inside Out

Phew! All those people who look good on the outside and are always happy are maybe, possibly, just in denial of how messed up life here on earth really is. Or maybe they have a really good sense of Kingdom-living. You know, living for the Kingdom and not for the earth. It's such a release to not have to compare myself to those who 'have it all together' because they really don't. It's not human, its not of this earth. I guess its all in the perspective we hold. If we live for things of the earth, chasing wealth & human acceptance we will be disappointed. BUT if we focus our eyes on Heaven, our ultimate goal & prize, our perspective changes from ourselves to God & futhering His Kingdom....Kingdom Living.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Run, Change, Rearrange

Every time there's an ache or frustration in my life I try to find out what it would take to get far away from feeling that way again.

Moving, changing jobs, rearranging furniture...change is what I feel I need when life doesn't go my way.
But what am I running from and why am I so afraid of being stuck & dependent on others...and God?

When things get tough I try to smooth it out instead of asking God what I am to learn through this rough patch.
Why is it so hard to lean on God?

He's proven himself over and over to me that he's faithful, that he's good, and his plans for me are perfect.

Why do I think I'm competent to do it on my own?
I'm not! It's more fear to let go of my will.

This last year was hell, and even though God blessed us immensley, I'm afraid to give up control because I fear the unknown and the hurts that accompany it.

Love God. Love Others.

I've read this book before, but never before has it hit me like this. I'm only through the introduction and I'm excited to see the changes that I know God will see me through.

'Inside Out' by Larry Crab

Exceprts from the Introduction

We are told, sometimes explicity but more often by example, that it's simply not necessary to feel the impact of family tensions, frightening possibilities, or discouraging news. An inexpressible joy is available which, rather than supporting us through hard times, can actually eliminate pressure, worry, and pain from our experience. Life may have its rough spots, but the reality of Christ's presence and blessing can so thrill our soul that pain is virtually unfelt. It simply isn't necessary to wrestle with internal struggle and disorder. Just trust, surrender, peservere, obey.

The effect of such teaching is to blunt the painful reality of what it's like to live as part of an imperfect, and sometimes evil, community. We learn to pretend that we feel now what we cannot feel until Heaven.

The experience of groaning, however, is precisely what modern Christianity so often tries to help us escape. The gospel of health and wealth appeals to our legitimate longing for relief by skipping over the call to endure suffering. Faith becomes the means not to learning contentment regardles of circumstances, but rather to rearranging one's circumstances to provide more comfort.

The promise of one day being with Jesus in a perfect world is the Christian's only hope for complete relief. Until then we either groan or pretend we don't.

Trusting another is perhaps the most difficult requirement of the Christian life. We hate to be dependent because we have learned to trust no one, not fully. We know better. Everyone in whom we have placed our confidence has in some way disappointed us. To trust fully, we conclude is suicide.

We want something now! And something is available now, something wonderful and real. But we will find only its counterfeit until we realize that the intensity of our disappointment with life coupled with a Christianity that promises to relieve that disappointment now has radically shifted the foundation of our faith. No longer do we resolutely bank everything on the coming of a nail-scarred Christ for His groaning but faithfully waiting people. Our hope has switched to a responsive Christ who satisfies His hurting people by quickly granting them the relief they demand.

God wants us to be courageous people who are deeply bothered by the horrors of living as part of a fallen race, people see, yet emerge prepared to live. Scarred, still troubled, but deeply loving. When the fact is faced that life is profoundly disappointing, the only way to make it is to learn to love. And only those who are no longer consumed with finding satisfaction are now able to love. Only when we commit our yearning for perfect joy to a Father we have learned to deeply trust are we free to live for others despite the reality of a perpetual ache.

Again, I feel normal. The ache to feel joy is part of God's original, beautiful design but because of the fallen world we live in, that joy cannot be found here on earth. Like the last paragraph describes, the only way we can find joy is when our selfish desires to be comfortable are replaced by a deeper yearning to love others well.

I'm reminded of times in my life where there has been serious conflict with others. When spending time with these individuals its a surreal feeling to sense a large elephant in the room that everyone seems to ignore and deny is there...all the while everything will look normal and fine. I see everyone taking their roles like in a low-budget movie or high school play. There's the director who works really hard to make everything flow nicely. Often times they're the ones keeping the conversation going by asking vague non-hot-button questions. Then there are the actors and actresses who want to please the director and try their best to act out how everything is supposed to look...but due to the lack of Hollywood talent & grandeur its simply obvious they don't really want to be there. To the audience everything looks fine, but a conversation with the 'behind the scene' stagemen brings all the truth to light.

Appearances are only that, appearances. But why the games, why the acting? Is it to preserve emotions of the audience, or the director who can't quite get it perfect? I wonder what it would be like if at the beginning of the show the stagemen would come out and tell all of the events from behind the scenes. Our perspective of everyone would change, even towards the audience...but maybe thats exactly what the director wants to hide.

There's an ache in all of us for things to be just right. When things don't go our way we become frustrated, angry, and hurt. But who cares? Life gets messy, feelings get hurt, and even if we try our best to avoid pain and disappointment LIFE WILL FIND US. The good news is that life is very short in comparison to what glory is before those who love and accept Christ Jesus. These temporary aches and pains give us a deeper desire for the 'good life' and the 'good life' is only available in Heaven. Press on toward the goal.

So how do we cope with these desires we cannot fill here on earth? You won't find it in the bottle, the pipe, your friends, your church. Yes, I said it, you won't find it in your church. This is how we cope: Love God. Love Others. The most important commandment in the Bible tells us to Love God and Love Others as we love ourselves. Notice how the command isn't to love God, Others AND ourselves. We naturally are obsessed with ourselves so the command is to love OTHERS as much as we are stuck on ourselves. Wow. Seems like an impossible task at hand, but why not give it a go? I've tried everything else to fill my void, I'm going to try love...I'm pretty sure the results will be more than I can imagine.

Tune in for more changes!