Monday, December 1, 2008

Today is the day...

There has to be a light at the end of this tunnel. I look at our finances and on one hand I see HOW FAR we've come and I'm so thankful for that, but on the other hand I see that our bills far exceed our income. Some is from credit card debt we accrued while being homeless, jobless, etc...but most of it is medical bills.

I feel like we're drowning in debt. I know in reality that we're not doing too bad considering the rest of the nation and even the world, but I loathe the thought of not being able to pay bills as they come in...or even a month after they're due.

Some changes need to happen and I'm trying to continue to pray about it, but I feel stuck in this despair. I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it, either. I don't want my husband to feel bad about his job situation and this incredibly difficult job-market. It's not his fault that he's been taken advantage of and its not his fault that no one is hiring right now. I need to be grateful for the amount he does bring in...and his incredible amount of help around the house.

But my fears are still there. I'm afraid we'll slip up and I'll get pregnant and we won't be able to make ends meet and I'll have to go back to work after having a baby and Ben will stay home forever and I'll work forever. I'm telling ya, I've lost myself in quite a ridiculous hole that makes no sense...I desperately need that light at the end of the tunnel.

There's so many factors as to why I'm in this hole, other than finances, and I don't even really want to get into it all. I just need to get out! There's a few things in my life that start out great and as soon as I get comfortable I slack off and then I find myself in a disaster and so I crawl into my hole and wait as the storm rages above me and I try to muster up the courage to move forward and do something about my life.

The worst part of it all is that I take it out on other people and eventually myself. I begin to resent people and their actions, words, & motivations. I get really testy & moody. Then I get frustrated with myself for being rude and start to cry and feel bad for myself. This usually cycles for several days and one day I wake up and realize that all of my actions, words & motivations are stemmed completely from MY mixed emotions, MY problems, and MY inability to fix them. After wrestling with that idea for a while (and usually some lengthy journaling time) I wipe my own slate clean and tell myself,

"Today is the day!

I will throw away my rose-colored glasses

that make me see everything as 'great'.

I will throw away my muddy boots

that drag me down and trip me up.

I will throw away my heavy coat

that is weighted & drenched in tears.

I will see clearer,

I will walk smoothly,

and I will not let me emotions get in the way.

Today is the day!"

And now the question is, "Is today going to be the day?"

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